To day has been an interesting day. I sat down and forced myself to own up to my actions for the past week and take responsibility for what has gone on.
Preface, I have had Severe chronic depression with moderate suicide risk since fall break of my junior year of high school back in 2003. It took me many years, countless therapy sessions, countless medications over the years, a hospitalization and the support of all my friends and family to get to where I am now. This summer I was able to go without any medication for roughly a month while maintaining fairly effective control of my emotions. As the school year approached again I decided to start back on a medication I had been on several years ago instead of the most recent one since I was starting to get additional side effects from the dosage I was at. I had to withdraw my freshman fall semester because of depression and refuse to let it happen again. I have learned that one of the best ways to do this is by taking ownership for all of my actions and not using my diagnosis as a crutch or an excuse. I started back on a very low dosage that I am still at, and am starting to consider getting it increased because of the following.
About two weeks ago or so I had the onset of a depressive spell start. I didn't catch it till roughly last night and have been doing emergency triage trying to get everything back on track. I started skipping a couple of my classes even through I enjoy them for various piss poor reasons. I always had an excuse or two ready to go whenever it was time to go to them. My sleeping patterns started shifting around and I started oversleeping quite often, unable to convince myself to get out of bed or do any work. The only thing that I did manage to focus on was an almost fervent obsession with putting together a Halloween costume that I would enjoy. So on a positive note, I could say that I was slightly creative in that aspect. I ended up failing to follow through several times at work and slept through two to three alarms going off at a time. I lost a promotion I had and now have to re-earn it it, as well as getting back on track for school. I am disappointed with myself, and accept all penalties laid against me. I am my harshest critic and am trying to use that anger directed at myself to motivate me instead of holding me back.
So in conclusion, it's time for me to fix the mess I've made to the best of my ability, forgive myself and accept that I'm human(one of the hardest things for me to do), and try to use the knowledge that I've gained from this to try and avoid it again in the future. Thought for the day: Never compromise with yourself, if you are coasting through life it means you aren't growing.
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